


Crash and burn

by wordsandtea



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x03, 13x03 coda, Angst, Bc cas is still dead, Castiel is very dead, Coda, Dean is very mad and also very sad, Declarations Of Love, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Angst, Did I mention angst, Episode: s13e03 Patience, Jack is sad, M/M, Onesided, Oops, Sam is Precious, s13e03 coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 15:25:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12609680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsandtea/pseuds/wordsandtea
Summary: A season 13 episode 3 "Patience" Coda





	Crash and burn

"Look, Dean, I get it. You're mad, and that's okay, but you can't blame all of that on Jack! He's trying his best, Dean!" A blazing fire burnt in his brother's eyes. He knew that Sam was trying to make his point here, that some monsters deserved to be saved. He had always been holding on to that image, always fearing that he might be a monster himself, always hoping there was someone who hadn't yet given up on him.

But Dean knew better. He knew the monster he was deep inside, and he knew that monsters didn't deserve to be saved. Jack didn't deserve to be saved. Not after what he had done. Not after...

"He killed CAS!" Dean yelled back while his fingernails dug deep into his own skin, as if the sharp pain could somehow ease the chaos that swirled within his mind or the dark claws that held his heart a little tighter with every passing day.

Sam flinched when he mentioned Cas' death. Oh, the wounds were still fresh on his skin as well. Dean had never spent a second thought about what Cas might be to Sam, or what Sam might be to Cas. But Sam was hurting too, and he was grieving in his own ways. They had buried and burnt so many friends, so many loved ones, and that didn't make it easier. But it helped him to remember that the fragile flame of hope would never vanish as long as he only kept holding on to it.

"Dean," he sighed, "I miss him too."

That was when Dean lost it.

Because they didn't miss him the same, and Sam knew it, and Dean knew that Sam knew. And he wasn't strong enough to keep acting like they didn't know.

His heart broke a little more when he screamed out of instinct, without spending a second thought about what his words would mean or change.

"But you didn't love him like I do!"

The shattered pieces hurt.

Sam's expression softened, and his shoulders, which had been raised in defense, fell. "Oh, Dean," he whispered, gently.

Dean's eyes widened when he realized what he had just said. He took a step back, and then another, and then he runs, away from his brother, away from the truth, but there was no way to deny something that had already been spoken out loud.

Within the shelter of his own room, he crashed on his bed, hands pressed against his temples.

He wanted to run, he wanted to burn. He certainly did not want _this_.

Of course, he had known he wasn't exactly straight. He was mainly into chicks, but he still identified as bi, or heteroflexible, but bi was a term a lot easier to handle.

Of course, he had tried to get rid of it. John hadn't really been an accepting and tolerant dad. When he had caught Dean kissing that guy in tenth grade in front of a shabby motel, happy wasn't the term Dean would use to describe either of them.

He had been the first and only boy Dean had ever had actual feelings for. Sure, he always appreciated a nice ass, whether a female or a male soul inherited it, and he had always liked to hook up - though he had tried to mainly hook up with girls - but he never developed feelings for another guy after that.

Well, he hadn't _allowed_ himself to.

With Castiel, it was different.

Loving Cas felt so natural that he hadn't even realized it at first. He didn't even know if he had realized all of it, how deep his feelings went, before saying it aloud just minutes ago.

He didn't even know where it had started. Maybe it had started when Cas was the only thing that kept him going in purgatory. Maybe when Cas came back to him after the Leviathan incident, fresh and clean. Maybe it was when Cas had risked all of heaven for him alone.

Or maybe a part of him, his very soul had been in love with him ever since Cas had rescued him from hell.

It was weird, like they were meant to be together from the beginning. Like Dean was made for loving Cas, his soul created for this very purpose.

But if it was the same destiny that brought them together that had ripped them apart now, he didn't want it.

 

  
There was a knocking on his door, and his eyes snapped open, but they were unfocused. They weren't as vibrant as they used to be; they looked dead.

"Go away Sammy."

He sat up. His voice sounded dead, too.

There was no sound of footsteps leaving. Instead, the door was pushed open by just a tiny bit. "I'm not Sam," Jack said shyly.

"I don't want to talk to you either," Dean scowled.

Jack worried his lip between his teeth. "There was a piece of pie in front of your door," he eventually started. "Do you want it?"

Dean stared at him without moving. "You can eat it if that'll stop you from bothering me."

Jack shifted uneasily. "... I heard you."

"Didn't your mommy teach you that you shouldn't eavesdrop while you were possessing her? Or did you kill her too fast?" Maybe he was being unfair. He didn't really care.

Jack looked down for a moment, visibly effected by Dean's words. He then straightens his shoulders and directly looks at him.

"I didn't - well, you weren't exactly being quiet, but that's not what I meant."

"Well then please do enlighten me," Dean said sarcastically.

"I can hear your thoughts, sometimes," Jack admitted, shifting his weight uncomfortably again. "Sam told me that angels are able to sense feelings, so I think that's connected," he added quickly.

"I'll make sure to think quieter, then." Dean was still scowling at him.

Jack cocked his head to one side, a frown on his forehead. Sometimes, in moments like this, he was really similar to... Yeah, Dean had his reasons for not liking him much.

"I just thought I should tell you - I know you don't like me much, but when I was -" he paused, trying to find the right words, "when I lent Cas my powers -"

"You mean when you controlled him like a fricking pawn to kill him off in the final battle?" Dean's voice cut through the air with the electricity of a lightning bolt.

Jack faltered for a moment, but there was no going back now. "I was able to hear his thoughts."

"So?" Dean growled.

Jack bit his lip. "He loved you too."

Dean's breath hitched.

He knew, he knew, he fucking knew.

It hurt nonetheless. He croaked, "leave".

"I'm sorry." Jack bowed his head.

Dean's fingers dug deep into the sheets of his bed. Every heartbeat hurt as he tried his hardest to contain a stable voice. "I told you to leave. Now."

But when Jack turned around to leave, Dean stopped him. "Wait."

Jack paused, his shoulders raised in defence, as if he expected a slap.

Dean took another painful breath. He couldn't make himself meet Jack's eyes. "Did he know?"

Jack furrowed his brows. "I'm not sure-"

"Answer me," Dean hissed, blood drumming in his ears.

Jack gulped. He looked down, and his voice was merely a whisper. "No."

Something deep within Dean broke, and something in his eyes made any other dismissal redundant.

When he heard the lock clicking, he struggled for another breath, his throat too tight, his eyes stinging.

"I'm sorry, Cas," he croaked out, and then he started crying for the first time after Cas had died.

He cried, and he screamed, and the whole room went red and his world was crashing, crashing, crashing down.

He didn't stop until he blacked out and sleep and numbness carried him off into a deep, bottomless empty.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not even remotely satisfied with this but I'm having a writer's block and I have a lot of feelings


End file.
